When Work Feels Like Walking on Eggshells: How Abusive Systems Replicate Abusive Relationships

Most of us think of abuse in the context of personal relationships—an unhealthy dynamic between two people where power, control, and fear dictate the terms. But what often goes unnoticed is how those same abusive patterns can show up in the workplace. An abusive system at work doesn’t just look like a “bad boss” or a “toxic culture.” It can replicate the very same cycles of control, manipulation, and erosion of self-worth that are common in abusive relationships.

The Cycle of Control

Abusive relationships tend to operate in cycles: tension builds, conflict erupts, reconciliation (or false calm) follows, and then the cycle repeats. Many workplaces function in a similar loop:

• Tension building: constant pressure to perform, ambiguous expectations, shifting goals.

• Eruption: public humiliation in meetings, threats of job loss, harsh criticism.

• Reconciliation: praise or small perks dangled just enough to keep employees hopeful.

• Calm: a temporary sense of relief that masks the reality that the cycle will start again.

Employees end up caught in a psychological trap, unsure of when the next “explosion” will come, but conditioned to stick around because of intermittent rewards.

Isolation and Dependence

Just as abusers isolate their partners from friends and family, toxic workplaces often discourage employees from forming alliances or questioning the system. Collaboration may be framed as “gossip,” or concerns dismissed as “not being a team player.” Over time, employees may feel increasingly dependent on the workplace for identity, stability, and survival, even if the environment is harming them.

Gaslighting at Work

Gaslighting is a hallmark of abusive relationships—making someone doubt their perception of reality. In the workplace, it can look like:

• Being told “you misunderstood” after clear instructions were given.

• Having feedback dismissed as “emotional” or “overreacting.”

• Watching the goalposts move and being told, “That’s how it’s always been.”

  
  

This constant rewriting of reality erodes confidence, leaving employees questioning their competence and judgment.

Fear of Leaving

Just like survivors of abusive relationships may fear they won’t survive on their own, workers trapped in abusive systems often feel powerless to leave. Financial dependence, professional reputation, and fear of retaliation can make it seem safer to endure than to walk away. On top of that, one who is taught to respect or trust authority, or that quitting a job before a certain time span is weak or lazy, may have even a harder time leaving an abusive system.

Breaking the Pattern

Recognizing these parallels matters because it reframes workplace abuse as more than just “bad management.” It highlights the psychological toll and explains why people stay in harmful jobs longer than they should. Breaking free often requires the same steps as leaving an abusive relationship:

• Naming the abuse for what it is.

• Rebuilding confidence and self-trust.

• Seeking external support—through mentors, networks, or professional help.

• Creating an exit plan that prioritizes safety and stability.

Final Thought

Abuse thrives in silence, whether in a relationship or at work. By drawing connections between these systems, we empower ourselves—and others—to recognize the signs sooner, trust our instincts, and demand environments that honor respect, dignity, and humanity.

If you find yourself navigating the cycle of abuse alone, reach out to our therapists in Colorado Springs at Dynamic Counseling.