Naming What Happened: Healing Shame and Self-Blame After Sexual Abuse

If you’re reading this, you may be carrying something that never should have been yours to carry. Sexual abuse often leaves survivors with two unbearable burdens: the harm itself, and the meaning that gets glued to it afterward. It was my fault. I should have stopped it. I am damaged. I am disgusting. I let it happen.

That meaning is not truth. It is a survival strategy that your nervous system and younger self used to make sense of something senseless.

This post is for survivors of sexual abuse of any gender, any age, any background. We will talk about why so many people never tell, how shame and self-blame keep the story locked inside, and why naming what happened, gently and at your pace, can be a turning point.

If you are in immediate danger or feel at risk of harming yourself, call or text 988 in the U.S. or call 911. If you want confidential support specific to sexual assault, RAINN’s hotline is available by phone and chat at rainn.org.

Why so many survivors do not talk about it

Many survivors delay disclosure for years or never disclose at all. Research consistently shows that disclosure is complicated, often slow, and shaped by fear, power, and shame.

A few patterns show up again and again:

• Fear of not being believed, especially when the perpetrator is known, respected, or in authority

• Fear of consequences such as family disruption, retaliation, or being blamed (Many caregivers feel shame that they “let this happen” to their child, which can lead to denial of the events)

• Not having language for what happened

• Shame, the feeling that I am bad, not something bad happened to me (Many survivors are manipulated to believe that they did something to ask for it, or even that they’re the actual perpetrator)

• Many survivors still feel a sense of care, empathy, or protection for their abuser, even as adults, which is confusing for the survivor and makes it difficult to name the harm the perpetrator caused

Shame is an emotion that silences, deactivates, and shuts down… especially when people anticipate invalidating or intense reactions.

How often do survivors disclose

Disclosure rates vary depending on age, definitions, and the setting. But we do have helpful anchors.

Among adolescents, large population studies have found that about 81 percent of girls and 69 percent of boys disclosed to someone, most often to a peer. Far fewer disclosed to professionals or authorities. Boys appear more likely in some samples to tell no one at all.

Shame and self-blame are common, but they are not truth

Sexual abuse commonly produces fear, shame, guilt, humiliation, and self-blame. Many survivors wrestle with thoughts like:

You wanted it.

You led them on.

You did not fight hard enough.

You went back.

You froze, so it must not have been that bad.

Trauma responses include freeze, fawn, appease, dissociate, comply, and go along to survive. These are nervous system strategies under threat. They are not consent.

Shame is persuasive. It speaks in absolutes. But persuasive does not mean accurate.

The child self is ALWAYS innocent

If the abuse happened when you were a child or teen, this is essential.

The child is never responsible for an adult’s choices. NEVER. Not if you froze. Not if you did not tell. Not if you were groomed. Not if you got special attention. Not if your body responded. Not if you went back. Not if you were confused.

Abuse is a misuse of power and responsibility.

When survivors believe they participated, it is often because grooming blurred boundaries, attachment needs were exploited, the nervous system chased safety the only way it knew how, or a child tried to create control by taking blame. If it was my fault, maybe I can prevent it next time.

That belief makes psychological sense. It still is not true.

Why naming what happened can be powerful

Naming is not about forcing yourself to relive details. It is about reclaiming reality.

When you name what happened, you:

1. Move the shame out of hiding

2. Put responsibility back where it belongs

3. Create the possibility of empathy from safe others and from yourself

4. Help your brain file the memory correctly as something that happened in the past

Sometimes naming is as simple as a sentence:

Something sexual happened to me that I did not choose.

I was a child, and it was not my job to stop it.

What happened to me was abuse.

I survived the best way I could.

You do not have to say it loudly. You can whisper it. You can write it. You can say it only in your own mind at first.

A gentle exercise for empathy toward your younger self

You do not have to go into details.

1. Place one hand on your chest or abdomen.

2. Say, out loud if you can:

   
   

   I believe you.

   
   

   You were trying to survive.

   
   

   You did not cause this.

   
   

   I am here with you now.

   
   

3. Notice what happens in your body. Tightness, tears, numbness, anger. Anything is allowed.

If your mind pushes back with objections, that is okay. That may be a protective part trying to keep you safe from hope, because hope can feel dangerous when you have been hurt.

If you want support, you deserve trauma-informed care

Many survivors find it helpful to work with a trauma therapist using approaches like EMDR, parts work (like IFS-informed therapy), and somatic trauma treatment—not to “get over it,” but to unhook the shame, settle the nervous system, and restore choice.

And if you’re not ready to talk about it out loud yet, that can still be therapy. You can start with symptoms, body sensations, relationship patterns, or a single sentence:

“Something happened, and it still affects me.”

That’s enough to begin.

If you’re in Colorado Springs and want support

Dynamic Counseling works with trauma survivors with a strong emphasis on safety, pacing, consent, and restoring dignity. If you reach out, you won’t be pushed to disclose details before you’re ready.