Judgment Is a Powerful Way to Keep People at Arm’s Length

Think about how quickly we make judgments about other people:

• Religion: “They’re too conservative.” “They don’t take their faith seriously.” “How can they believe that?”

• Politics: “They’re brainwashed.” “They don’t care about real issues.” “I could never be friends with someone who votes like that.”

• Parenting: “They’re way too strict.” “They let their kids run wild.” “If they really cared, they wouldn’t parent like that.”

• Food choices: “I can’t believe they eat that junk.” “They’re so picky.” “She must be obsessed with being healthy.”

• Body types: “He should take better care of himself.” “She’s way too thin.” “They must not have any discipline.”

• Skin color: “People like them always…” “I bet they don’t belong here.” “They must be this kind of person.”

• Social class: “They’re so stuck up.” “They must be lazy.” “That family is out of touch with reality.”

• Lawn upkeep: “Their yard looks terrible—don’t they care?” “That lawn is too perfect, they must be obsessed.”

• Type of car: “Driving that beat-up thing? They must be broke.” “That luxury car is just showing off.”

• Clothing choices: “She’s trying too hard.” “He clearly doesn’t care about his appearance.” “They must think they’re better than everyone else.”

Judgments like these can slip out in conversation or live silently in our thoughts. Either way, they serve a similar purpose: they create a sense of distance. Instead of leaning in with curiosity about someone’s life or choices, judgment gives us permission to step back, close off, and feel “different” or “above.”

Have you ever noticed how easy it is to create distance between yourself and others simply by leaning into judgment? Judgment is one of the most powerful tools we use—often unconsciously—to protect ourselves, but it also comes at a high cost.

Why We Judge

At its core, judgment is a defense mechanism. When we evaluate and label others—“too much,” “not enough,” “wrong,” “selfish”—we momentarily feel safer. Judgment can make us feel superior, more in control, and less vulnerable. If I keep you “in a box” through my opinion of you, then I don’t have to risk showing you who I really am.

Judgment as Distance

The thing about judgment is that it creates space—sometimes a canyon—between people. It’s like holding up a shield: I get to stand behind it while keeping you on the other side. It might feel protective, but it also prevents connection. And the irony is, many people who lean heavily on judgment secretly crave closeness, belonging, and acceptance.

Judgment and Avoidant Attachment

For people with an avoidant attachment style, judgment often becomes a way to maintain emotional distance. When closeness feels threatening or overwhelming, criticizing or dismissing others can create a buffer against intimacy. It’s not usually intentional—it’s a protective strategy learned early on to keep from being hurt or rejected. Unfortunately, while judgment may offer a sense of control, it reinforces the very isolation avoidant individuals fear deep down: being alone and unseen.

The Hidden Costs

• Loneliness: Constant judgment leaves us isolated, even when surrounded by others.

• Missed opportunities: We cut ourselves off from deeper relationships and richer experiences.

• Reinforced insecurities: The more we judge others, the harsher we tend to be with ourselves.

Moving From Judgment to Curiosity

If judgment pushes people away, curiosity draws them in. Instead of deciding what someone is or isn’t, we can pause and ask:

• I wonder what’s going on for them?

• What don’t I know about their story?

• What can I learn here instead of deciding too quickly?

  
  

Curiosity softens our stance. It doesn’t mean we ignore harmful behavior or drop boundaries—it just means we give ourselves a chance to understand before we condemn.

Closing the Gap

Judgment will always be a part of human life, but when we recognize it as a distancing strategy, we can choose differently. Instead of holding people at arm’s length, we can open the door to connection. That shift—from judgment to curiosity—might be the very thing that brings us the closeness we’ve been yearning for all along.

When Judgment Gets in the Way of Connection

If you find yourself stuck in patterns of judgment—toward yourself or others—it may be a sign of deeper struggles with vulnerability, trust, or past hurts. Therapy can help you explore these patterns, understand where they come from, and practice new ways of relating that allow for closeness and safety.

At our counseling practice in Colorado Springs, we help individuals, couples, and families move from judgment and distance toward curiosity, compassion, and connection. Whether you’re working through relationship issues, anxiety, depression, or past trauma, therapy can give you the support and tools you need to build healthier connections.

If you’re ready to take the next step toward stronger relationships and greater self-understanding, contact us today to schedule a session with one of our Colorado Springs therapists.