It All Comes Back to Shame: The Key to Freedom, Growth, and Hiding

I posted recently on true guilt and false guilt here. This article tackles what I think is an even more difficult and complex emotion: shame. In my practice and life, I notice that it is at the core of our stuckness, our wounds, and our healing.

Shame lies under every struggle for emotional freedom and authenticity. Whether someone is fighting perfectionism, overachievement, self-sabotage, or withdrawal, it often comes down to how well one can tolerate the sting of shame and what they do with it. Shame tells us to hide, to shrink. You might notice your body getting smaller, not making eye contact, covering yourself with your arms or extra clothes, or your shoulders caving in. Our bodies tell the story.

Clinical psychiatrist Dr. Curt Thompson writes that “Shame is both the birthplace of hiding and the birthplace of connection.” It is the crossroads where we either turn inward in secrecy or open ourselves to being known. Our ability to face shame and stay present in the moments we most want to disappear is what ultimately determines whether we live freely or remain trapped in patterns of self-deception.

The Roots of Shame

Shame is the deeply human feeling that something about us is wrong, bad, or unworthy of love. Unlike guilt, which says “I did something wrong,” shame whispers “I am something wrong.” To you it might sound like: “I’m a terrible mom.” “No one really wants me around.” “If I show up fully as myself, will be I loved and accepted?” “I’m not enough for this person.” “Am I lovable?” “Am I likable?” While guilt can motivate change, shame isolates and paralyzes.

Neurobiologically, shame activates the same regions of the brain involved in physical pain. The nervous system treats it as a threat to survival, which is why the instinct to hide is so strong. For some people that hiding looks like withdrawal or silence. For others, it takes the form of control, aggression, or perfectionism.

As Curt Thompson puts it, “We are all born into stories of shame.” It is part of being human. But he adds that healing begins when we bring those stories into connection and risk being seen, even in our imperfection.

Shame, Guilt, and the Path to Growth

One of the most profound distinctions in emotional health is the difference between feeling shame and being consumed by it. Those who can tolerate the discomfort of shame without shutting down or turning against themselves grow stronger, more integrated, and more capable of authentic relationships.

In contrast, those who cannot tolerate shame often live in cycles of self-deception. They hide behind rationalizations, rigid moral codes, achievements, or denial. Over time, these defenses become invisible prisons that keep them from true freedom.

Brené Brown, who has spent decades researching shame and vulnerability, (and giving awesome Tedtalks about it) writes, “Shame corrodes the very part of us that believes we are capable of change.” When we are drowning in shame, we stop believing in transformation. But when we can face it, name it, and bring it into safe relationship, it becomes a catalyst for growth.

Brown also reminds us that “Vulnerability sounds like truth and feels like courage. Truth and courage aren’t always comfortable, but they’re never weakness.” To stay open when shame rises takes tremendous courage. Yet that is where freedom begins, right at the intersection of pain and truth.

The Two Paths: Freedom or Hiding

Every moment of shame invites us down one of two paths: toward freedom and connection or toward hiding and self-deception.

Freedom comes when we can notice shame, breathe through it, and stay curious. We name what we feel, often with the help of another person who receives us with empathy instead of judgment. This disrupts shame’s isolation and rewires our sense of safety. Over time, this builds resilience and the capacity to remain authentic even when we feel exposed.

Self-deception grows when we avoid shame by constructing false selves. We tell half-truths, minimize our faults, or project blame onto others. Each of these strategies protects us from the immediate discomfort of shame but ultimately keeps us small. It is the emotional equivalent of holding our breath indefinitely.

The paradox is that the only way out of shame is through it. Thompson writes that “Healing happens when we tell our stories in the presence of a compassionate other.” When we share what we most fear will disconnect us and are met instead with understanding, something in the brain reorganizes. The shame loses power.

Learning to Tolerate Shame

Learning to tolerate shame does not mean enjoying it. It means staying connected in its presence. This is a slow and sacred process that often unfolds in therapy or within a safe community.

Here are a few ways to begin:

1. Name it. Notice when shame arises. It can show up as a wave of heat, a desire to disappear, or an inner voice that says you are not enough. Naming it reduces its grip.

2. Pause and breathe. Shame floods the nervous system. Slowing your breath signals that you are safe now, not under threat.

3. Reach for connection. Healing shame requires other people. Trusted friends, counselors, or mentors can hold your story when you cannot.

4. Practice compassion. Speak to yourself the way you would speak to someone you love who is hurting.

5. Anchor in meaning. Remember that your story is bigger than your mistakes and that being known is the path to healing.

Being Known

Curt Thompson often says that the antidote to shame is being known. To be truly known is to be seen for all that you are, including the parts you wish were different. It is to be received without judgment and to discover that you are still worthy of love and belonging.

For some, that experience comes through deep friendships or therapy. For others, it includes a sense of being known by something greater, by what many would call the Divine. In either case, the healing comes from relationship. Shame thrives in isolation and loses power when we bring it into connection.

Conclusion

In the end, our capacity for growth, healing, and freedom depends on how we relate to shame. Do we hide from it, or do we let it draw us toward deeper truth and connection?

When we can sit with shame long enough to see it for what it is—a signal of our longing for love and belonging—we begin to live differently. We stop performing and start connecting. We trade control for courage.

As Brené Brown says, “Only when we are brave enough to explore the darkness will we discover the infinite power of our light.”

It all comes back to shame, and what we choose to do with it.