DARVO: Understanding the Cycle of Denial, Attack, and Reversal of Victim and Offender

Continuing with our recent blog series on emotional abuse, tactics, and responses, we explore DARVO.

When people confront someone who has caused them harm, they hope for accountability and understanding. Yet in many cases, especially those involving emotional, relational, or institutional abuse, the confrontation leads not to resolution but to confusion. One reason for this is a common manipulative pattern known as DARVO, an acronym for Deny, Attack, and Reverse Victim and Offender. This pattern describes the way some individuals or institutions respond when accused of wrongdoing. Instead of acknowledging harm, they deny it, attack the credibility or motives of the person calling it out, and then claim that they themselves are the true victim.

Understanding DARVO is essential for both survivors of abuse and those who work in helping professions. Recognizing it helps people resist gaslighting and manipulation and respond in ways that promote truth and safety.

The Origins of DARVO

The term DARVO was coined by psychologist Jennifer Freyd, who has researched betrayal trauma and institutional betrayal. She observed that abusers and organizations accused of wrongdoing often followed the same three-step pattern: denial, attack, and reversal. This predictable response shifts focus away from the misconduct and onto the person who speaks up. It is an attempt to regain control, silence criticism, and maintain an appearance of innocence.

Although the pattern can appear in any context—romantic relationships, families, workplaces, religious groups, or governments—it is particularly common in situations where power imbalances exist.

The Three Steps of DARVO

1. Deny

   
   

   The first step is simple: “That never happened.” The wrongdoer refuses to acknowledge any wrongdoing. They might say, “You are exaggerating,” “You are misremembering,” or “You are too sensitive.” The goal of denial is to erase the reality of the event, making the accuser doubt their own perception.

2. Attack

   
   

   When denial alone fails, the person turns to attack. They question the credibility, motives, or character of the victim. They may say things like, “You are just trying to ruin my reputation,” or “You have always been unstable.” The attack shifts the conversation from the wrongdoing to the supposed flaws of the person raising concerns.

3. Reverse Victim and Offender

   
   

   Finally, the person positions themselves as the victim. They claim to be the one who is being persecuted, misunderstood, or unfairly accused. They might say, “I cannot believe you would accuse me of something like that after all I have done for you,” or “This is a witch hunt.” The original victim is now painted as the aggressor, while the actual offender demands sympathy.

This sequence can happen quickly in conversation, or it can unfold over months through public statements, lawsuits, or social campaigns. No matter the form, the outcome is the same: truth becomes distorted, and accountability is delayed or avoided entirely.

Real-Life Examples of DARVO

Example 1: A Workplace Scenario

A manager repeatedly makes inappropriate jokes to an employee, who finally reports it to Human Resources. When confronted, the manager says, “That’s ridiculous. I was just being friendly” (deny). Then he adds, “She has always had a problem with authority and just wants attention” (attack). Finally, he claims, “Now my career is ruined because of one oversensitive person” (reverse).

In this case, the employee’s valid complaint is reframed as cruelty toward the manager, while his own behavior is minimized.

Example 2: A Family Example

A grown daughter tells her mother that she felt emotionally neglected during childhood. The mother responds, “That is not true. I gave you everything you ever needed” (deny). She then says, “You are being ungrateful and cruel to bring this up after all I have done” (attack). Finally, she cries and says, “I am the one who is hurt by this conversation. How could you accuse your own mother?” (reverse).

The daughter ends up apologizing for even bringing up her feelings, and the conversation ends with the mother in the role of the victim. This is a classic example of DARVO in a family system, where guilt and loyalty are often used to suppress truth.

Example 3: A Public Figure Accused of Misconduct

When a public figure is accused of harassment, they might release a statement saying, “These allegations are false” (deny). Then they attack the accuser’s motives: “This is a coordinated attempt to destroy my reputation.” Finally, they portray themselves as persecuted: “I have worked hard my whole life, and now my career is being taken away because of lies.”

Even if evidence later confirms the misconduct, the public may still feel sympathy for the offender because the reversal has been so emotionally convincing.

The Psychological Impact of DARVO

DARVO is particularly harmful because it deepens the trauma of the person who was harmed. It turns a moment that could have brought healing or justice into a new experience of betrayal. Survivors who encounter DARVO often describe feeling confused, angry, or ashamed. They may start to doubt their memory, motives, or sanity. This is a form of gaslighting, where reality itself is distorted.

Over time, repeated exposure to DARVO can make victims less likely to report future harm. In institutions such as universities or churches, this contributes to cultures of silence. When people see that truth-telling leads to attack and reversal, they learn to stay quiet.

Unhealthy Responses to DARVO

When faced with DARVO, many people respond in ways that unintentionally reinforce the pattern. Here are some examples of unhealthy responses:

• Trying to defend every detail: Victims may feel compelled to argue point by point, providing proof for every accusation. This often plays into the abuser’s strategy, since it keeps the focus on argument rather than accountability.

• Apologizing to calm things down: Many survivors end up saying, “I am sorry if I upset you,” even though they did nothing wrong. This gives the manipulator more power.

• Becoming isolated: The person being targeted may withdraw from friends, family, or coworkers because they feel embarrassed or exhausted. This isolation benefits the abuser, who now controls the narrative.

• Accepting shared blame: Victims may accept statements like “We both made mistakes,” which minimizes the offender’s responsibility.

While these reactions are understandable, they often increase confusion and prolong harm.

Healthy Responses to DARVO

Responding effectively to DARVO takes practice and support. Here are several healthier approaches:

1. Recognize the pattern

   
   

   Once you see DARVO for what it is, it loses some of its power. Knowing that denial, attack, and reversal are predictable allows you to stay grounded instead of personalizing the manipulative behavior.

2. Do not engage in emotional battles

   
   

   Arguing with someone who is using DARVO rarely leads to truth. Instead, focus on your own clarity: “I know what I experienced.” Refuse to get drawn into defending your character.

3. Document facts

   
   

   Keep written records of interactions or incidents. This provides a grounding sense of reality and helps if you need to report the behavior later.

4. Seek support from neutral allies

   
   

   Talk to a therapist, HR representative, or trusted friend who is not connected to the abuser. Outside perspectives can help you stay oriented in reality.

5. Set boundaries

   
   

   You can end conversations that become manipulative. Saying “I am not willing to continue this discussion while I am being attacked” reinforces self-respect.

6. Shift the focus back to accountability

   
   

   When possible, return to the original issue. For instance, “We are not talking about my tone. We are talking about what you said last week.” This keeps the attention on the behavior, not the distraction.

7. Use institutional or legal resources if needed

   
   

   In workplaces or communities, formal complaint procedures can sometimes prevent personal confrontation from becoming circular or abusive.

How Institutions Use DARVO

Institutions often mirror the same pattern as individuals. When accused of wrongdoing—such as mishandling harassment complaints or discriminating against employees—organizations may first deny the problem (“We have no record of this”). Then they attack the whistleblower’s credibility (“This person is disgruntled or seeking attention”). Finally, they claim to be the victim of unfair criticism (“Our reputation is being unfairly damaged”).

This institutional form of DARVO can devastate victims and create a chilling effect for others who might speak up. Healthy organizations take the opposite approach: they listen, investigate impartially, and communicate transparency and care.

Healing After Experiencing DARVO

If you have been targeted by DARVO, healing begins with reclaiming your sense of reality. Journaling, therapy, and supportive communities can help you rebuild confidence in your perceptions. It is also important to remind yourself that being attacked for speaking truth does not make your truth less valid. The fact that someone used DARVO against you often confirms that you touched a nerve connected to accountability.

As you heal, you may also find it empowering to learn how widespread this pattern is. Recognizing DARVO in politics, workplaces, and families can help you depersonalize it. The behavior says more about the offender’s fear of exposure than about your integrity.

Final Thoughts

DARVO is not just a psychological term. It is a social reality that affects families, organizations, and entire cultures. Each time someone denies harm, attacks the victim, and reverses the roles of offender and victim, truth and justice are weakened. Yet awareness brings power.

When people learn to recognize and name DARVO, they interrupt the cycle of manipulation. Healthy responses focus on grounding in reality, setting limits, and refusing to carry the blame that does not belong to them.

Accountability begins where DARVO ends—with honesty, humility, and a willingness to face the truth rather than distort it.