Why Trauma Makes You Push Away the People You Love

Whitney Hancock, LPC, is a licensed professional counselor and founder of Dynamic Counseling in Colorado Springs. She specializes in trauma therapy, EMDR, and couples counseling, helping individuals and partners heal attachment wounds and rebuild trust after relational injuries. Whitney’s work focuses on helping clients develop emotional safety, nervous system regulation, and secure connection.

You love them.

You care deeply.

You want connection.

But when they move closer, something in you pulls back.

You shut down.

You get irritated.

You go quiet.

You suddenly feel overwhelmed.

And afterward you wonder:

“Why do I do this? What’s wrong with me?”

If this sounds familiar, you are not broken.

You may be protecting yourself.

When Closeness Once Meant Danger

Trauma is not just about what happened.

It is about what your nervous system learned.

If vulnerability once led to:

• Rejection

• Shame

• Emotional unpredictability

• Betrayal

• Anger

• Being ignored

• Being overwhelmed

Your body may have learned that closeness equals risk.

Even if your current partner is safe.

Even if your mind knows this relationship is different.

Your nervous system does not update automatically.

It protects first. It asks questions later.

Common Ways Trauma Shows Up in Relationships

Trauma responses are protective patterns. They are attempts to prevent a repeat injury.

You might notice:

Emotional Shutdown

When conflict arises, you go numb or distant. You struggle to access your feelings.

Irritability or Criticism

You feel easily overwhelmed by small things. Your system reacts quickly to perceived threat.

Hyper-Independence

You rely only on yourself. Asking for comfort feels weak or unsafe.

Needing Constant Reassurance

Your body scans for signs of abandonment. You seek closeness urgently but struggle to feel secure.

Testing Your Partner

You pull away to see if they will chase. You provoke to see if they will stay.

These are not character flaws.

They are protective parts trying to keep you safe.

Why This Happens Even in Healthy Relationships

Trauma wiring does not disappear just because you found a good partner.

If earlier experiences taught you that:

Connection is unpredictable

Love can be withdrawn

Needs are too much

Emotions are dangerous

Your nervous system may still react as if those rules are true.

This creates a painful cycle:

You want connection.

You move toward it.

Your body feels threatened.

You pull away.

Your partner feels confused or rejected.

Distance grows.

And the very thing you feared begins to happen.

Trauma Lives in the Body, Not Just the Story

You might logically know:

“My partner isn’t my parent.”

“This isn’t my past.”

“I am safe.”

But trauma is stored in the nervous system.

Your heart rate increases.

Your chest tightens.

Your thoughts race.

You feel the urge to escape or shut down.

That reaction is not weakness.

It is survival wiring.

How Trauma Therapy and EMDR Help

Healing is not about forcing yourself to stay present.

It is about helping your nervous system learn something new.

In trauma therapy, we work to:

• Identify the original attachment injuries

• Reprocess painful memories through EMDR

• Reduce hypervigilance in the body

• Build tolerance for closeness

• Develop secure internal attachment

Over time, your body begins to experience connection as safe rather than threatening.

You can stay.

You can speak.

You can receive comfort.

Without shutting down or pushing away.

You Are Not “Too Much” or “Too Distant”

If you push people away, it may not be because you do not care.

It may be because no one protected you when you needed it most.

Your system learned to protect itself.

The good news is this:

Protective patterns can soften.

Attachment can heal.

Safety can be built.

If you are in Colorado Springs and are looking for trauma therapy or EMDR to help with relational patterns, our team at Dynamic Counseling specializes in helping adults heal attachment wounds and develop secure, grounded relationships.

You do not have to keep repeating the same cycle.

Healing connection is possible.