Boundaries or selflessness? Consider a middle path: Healthy negotiation.

“It might sound less romantic than the fairytale ideal of perfect harmony. But negotiation is love in action. It’s how real people build real trust.”

Author’s note: This article was not written for any relationship where one party is abusive.

Relationships are messy. We hurt each other and people hurt us. We have needs met and others left unmet. We show up for people from our strengths (e.g. quality time, acts of service, our ability to keep calm within conflict or stress, keeping the kids alive while the other is on a trip) and fail to show up from places of weakness (e.g. expressing affirmation or gratitude, listening well with curiosity, our OCD tendencies, our workaholism). Sometimes we get asked for something we couldn’t imagine giving (e.g. the neighbor asks you to cut your tree down so their grass gets more sun; your partner wants to have kids and you still want to travel; your spouse wants to take a job in a place you never want to live). The list goes on and on.

When things go wrong or we reach an impasse in relationships, we often get pulled into two extremes: the idea that we must build strong boundaries to protect ourselves, or that we must be completely selfless to love another well. Both can sound noble, even psychologically or spiritually sound, but when taken to the extreme, they can leave us isolated, resentful, or invisible. The truth is, sustainable, connected relationships aren’t built on either rigidity or martyrdom. They’re built on something in the middle: healthy negotiation.

The Myth of “Hard Boundaries”

Boundaries are important. They help us protect ourselves, define what’s okay and what’s not, and maintain a sense of identity. But when boundaries become hard walls instead of living edges, they can prevent intimacy, flexibility, and growth.

A relationship isn’t a legal contract where we enforce static rules forever. It's a dynamic dance between two people who are always changing. Sometimes, you might stretch a little to meet your partner where they are. Other times, you hold your ground. If your response is always “this is just how I am” or “my boundary is final,” you may win the argument—but lose the relationship.

The Trap of “Selflessness”

On the flip side, many of us are taught to put others first, to be the “bigger person,” to give and give because that’s what love does. But chronic selflessness often masks fear of conflict, low self-worth, or codependent patterns. It can lead to burnout, resentment, and a quiet erosion of authenticity.

True love isn’t about erasing yourself to please someone else. It’s about being real, being whole, and still choosing to be in connection. If you’re always bending without expressing your own needs, that’s not love—it’s survival.

The Middle Way: Healthy Negotiation

So what does the middle look like? It looks like two people bringing their full selves to the table—values, needs, vulnerabilities—and being willing to talk it through.

Healthy negotiation is:

• Honest: You speak what’s true for you without sugarcoating or aggression.

• Curious: You listen to understand the other person, not to defend yourself.

• Flexible: You’re open to creative solutions instead of rigid either/or thinking.

• Ongoing: You revisit, revise, and rework agreements as things evolve.

It might sound less romantic than the fairytale ideal of perfect harmony. But negotiation is love in action. It’s how real people build real trust.

What This Looks Like in Practice

• You want alone time; your partner wants to talk. Instead of retreating or people-pleasing, you say: “I really want to be there for you. Can we check in after I take a 20-minute break?”

• You need more emotional support. Instead of accusing or collapsing, you say: “Lately I’ve been feeling a little on my own. Could we carve out a time this week to connect more intentionally?”

• You’re overwhelmed by the mental load of household responsibilities. Rather than waiting until you explode or silently doing it all, you say: “Can we sit down and look at what’s on both of our plates? I’d like to feel like we’re a team here.”

Why It Matters

Negotiation doesn’t mean compromise in the sense of giving up who you are. It means co-creating a relationship where both people matter. It’s the courage to show up fully, and the humility to meet someone else halfway.

At its best, negotiation isn’t about keeping score. It’s about building something together—a relationship that honors the needs, boundaries, and growth of both people.

In a culture that often shouts “protect yourself” or whispers “just give more,” maybe the real wisdom lies in asking: How can we make this work—for both of us?

That question is where healthy relationships begin.

If you find it’s difficult or impossible to sit down at the table and negotiate in a healthy way with your partner or family member, then there may be dynamics at play like past trauma or unhealed relationship hurt. It often takes a third party to help you move through this in an effective way. At Dynamic Counseling, Whitney and Leslie offer in-person couples therapy in Colorado Springs, and Jeri and Emily offer virtual couples counseling in Colorado.