“Is Everyone a Narcissist Now?” Understanding Narcissism as a Spectrum We All Live On

Narcissism has become a cultural buzzword. A catch-all insult. A diagnosis people hand out as easily as the common cold.

But here’s the reality:

Very few people actually meet criteria for Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD).

What is common, though, are narcissistic traits and tendencies - behaviors every single one of us can display.

The real question isn’t:

“Is this person a narcissist?”

But rather:

• How often does someone behave narcissistically?

• How intense or harmful are those behaviors?

• Are they occasional reactions or persistent patterns?

• Do these traits harm relationships, work, or emotional functioning?

In other words, narcissism isn’t a label.

It’s a spectrum.

And we all fall somewhere on it.

Why Narcissistic Traits Are Normal (Yes, Really)

Humans need a healthy sense of self-regard. We need confidence, pride, autonomy, the belief that we matter. These qualities exist on the same continuum as narcissism, just at the healthier end.

This means things like:

• wanting to feel admired,

• liking praise,

• feeling special in certain roles,

• wanting recognition,

• being hurt by criticism

…are normal human behaviors, not signs of a disorder.

Where things shift toward unhealthy narcissistic tendencies is when these behaviors become:

• rigid

• chronic

• grandiose

• entitled

• dismissive of others

• self-protective at all costs

Healthy narcissism lets someone feel good about themselves and stay connected to others.

Unhealthy narcissism prioritizes the self at the expense of others.

And between those two?

A whole range of traits we all show at times.

Common Narcissistic Traits Most People Exhibit at Some Point

These don’t mean someone has NPD. They simply mean someone is human, and sometimes self-protective, insecure, or emotionally dysregulated.

Here are common narcissistic tendencies many people display:

1. Being overly sensitive to criticism

Even mild feedback can feel like an attack. This comes from insecurity, not pathology.

2. Wanting admiration or praise

Most people like recognition. Narcissistic leaning shows when someone depends on praise to feel okay.

3. Taking up too much space in conversations

Talking more about yourself than others talk about themselves is a very human narcissistic slip.

4. Difficulty apologizing

Apologies require vulnerability. Narcissistic tendencies avoid vulnerability because it feels unsafe.

5. Defensiveness

This often comes from shame, not grandiosity.

6. Needing to be right

Feeling threatened by being wrong is a hallmark of narcissistic patterns, but many people fall into this when stressed or insecure.

7. Feeling “special” or exceptional

Again, we all do this sometimes. It becomes problematic only when it’s rigid or entitled.

8. Empathy that disappears when stressed

Even “empathetic” people can become self-focused under threat.

These traits are only concerning when they’re:

• persistent

• intense

• inflexible

• reactionary to shame

• harmful to others

This is why calling everyone a narcissist is misleading. People aren’t disorders — they’re complex.

So Then What Is “Covert” Narcissism? (And Why It’s Often Misunderstood)

Most people think of narcissism as loud, confident, attention-seeking, or arrogant.

That’s overt narcissism, the kind that’s easy to spot.

But many people who display narcissistic traits look nothing like that.

This is where covert narcissism comes in.

Covert narcissism is more quiet, anxious, or withdrawn. The person may appear:

• shy

• insecure

• easily hurt

• overwhelmed

• self-critical

• resentful beneath the surface

Instead of grandiosity, covert narcissism shows up as:

• hypersensitivity

• deep fear of rejection

• victim mentality

• comparing themselves constantly

• believing they are misunderstood or overlooked

• simmering resentment when their importance isn’t recognized

Covert narcissism often comes from deep shame and fragile self-esteem, not confidence.

Someone with covert traits may not brag about being special.

They may believe they are special because they suffer more or feel more deeply than others.

This type of narcissistic pattern is more about self-protection than domination.

Why Narcissistic Traits Develop: Protection, Not Evil

Narcissistic traits — overt or covert — often grow out of:

• attachment wounds

• emotional neglect

• inconsistent caregiving

• shaming childhood environments

• lack of attunement

• unpredictable love

• childhood roles where the child had to perform to matter

In other words:

Narcissistic traits are often survival strategies.

They help someone avoid:

• feeling unworthy

• feeling insignificant

• feeling powerless

• feeling ashamed

• feeling rejected

• feeling unseen

This doesn’t excuse harmful behavior, but it does explain it.

Understanding this allows us to be more discerning, not more judgmental.

When Narcissistic Traits Become a Problem

Traits turn into patterns when they are:

• chronic

• unchanging

• rigid

• defended

• resistant to feedback

• lacking in empathy even outside conflict

• harmful to relationships

The key question is not:

“Does this person sometimes act narcissistically?”

Almost everyone does.

The real question is:

Does this behavior persist across time and situations, even when it harms relationships?

If yes, it leans toward a narcissistic pattern.

If no, it’s likely situational, emotional, or reactive, not a personality structure.

A Healthier Perspective: We Should All Look in the Mirror

Instead of pointing at others first, what if we did what the Instagram reel encourages, even if jokingly?

What if we paused and asked:

• When do I tune out someone else’s feelings because my own feel bigger?

• When do I need to be right so I don’t feel inadequate?

• When do I struggle to apologize because it feels humiliating?

• When do I lose empathy because I’m stressed or insecure?

• When do I want praise to soothe something inside me?

These moments don’t make you a narcissist.

They make you self-aware.

Dan Allender often says that we must acknowledge the parts of ourselves we don’t want to see in order to grow.

And Bessel van der Kolk reminds us that our body holds old wounds that shape how we react in the present.

Narcissistic traits often come from the parts of us trying to protect those wounds.

Therapy helps us soften these defenses so we can relate from a place of connection, not protection.

So… Are People Narcissists or Not?

Sometimes yes.

But far more often:

People simply have human insecurities that show up as narcissistic behaviors, especially under stress.

The real question is severity, frequency, rigidity, and impact.

Most people do not have NPD.

Most people do not intentionally harm others.

Most people are not pathologically self-absorbed.

But many people, including you and me, occasionally act:

• self-focused

• entitled

• defensive

• fragile

• self-protective

• validation-seeking

Because we’re human.

Because we’re afraid.

Because we’re wired for self-preservation.

Narcissism is not a diagnosis we should weaponize.

It’s a spectrum we should understand, in ourselves and in others.

Conclusion: Narcissism Isn’t About Labels; It’s About Awareness

Calling someone a narcissist rarely helps anything.

Understanding narcissistic traits, however, helps us:

• be more honest with ourselves

• set healthier boundaries

• show compassion without enabling

• recognize unhealthy patterns early

• grow emotionally

• stay connected while staying grounded

Narcissism becomes dangerous when we pretend it only belongs to other people.

It becomes meaningful when we say:

“What parts of this live in me? And what can I do to grow?”