What Does Love Require of Me? Why Niceness Isn’t the Same as Love, & When Love Requires Discomfort
- Whitney Hancock
- 15 hours ago
- 9 min read
As clients are seeing more family members during the holidays, I find us coming to this question more often: What does love require of me? It’s a good question, and one we should ask more often. You may bristle at the word “require”, and that may be something different to explore. This blog explores the theme of love in difficult relationships.
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Most of us grow up with a quiet, unspoken belief: love means being nice.
Love means keeping the peace.
Love means smoothing things over.
Love means not hurting anyone’s feelings.
And on the surface, those ideas feel harmless. Good, even.
But when you live long enough, especially if you pay attention to your relationships or sit across from people in therapy rooms, you realize something: niceness doesn’t always lead to love, and love doesn’t always look nice.
Love can be tender, warm, soft, comforting.
But sometimes, and far more often than we admit, love is sharp, honest, boundary-setting, inconvenient, or uncomfortable.
An old writing captures this tension clearly:
“The wounds of a friend are faithful, but the kisses of an enemy are deceitful.”
In other words: a person who truly loves you may sometimes hurt your feelings… and a person who doesn’t have your best interest at heart may keep you comfortable.
So the real question becomes:
What does love require of me in this moment?
Let’s break that open.
1. Love Is Not the Same as Niceness
Niceness keeps things smooth.
Love keeps things healthy.
Niceness avoids conflict.
Love faces it because something important is at stake.
Niceness protects my comfort.
Love protects our connection — even if that requires discomfort.
When people confuse these two, they end up exhausted, resentful, and living far outside themselves. They say yes when their body screams no. They enable harmful patterns. They tolerate mistreatment. They decay on the inside while smiling on the outside.
Niceness is easy.
Love is costly.
And that cost is what makes it meaningful.
2. Sometimes Love Requires Confrontation
Most people hate confrontation. Not because they’re weak, but because we’re wired to avoid social rejection, tension, and uncertainty. So we label confrontation as “unloving.”
But often, the most loving thing you can do is name what is harming you or harming the relationship.
Love may require you to say:
“This is hurting me.”
“I won’t allow you to talk to me that way.”
“I care too much about both of us to keep pretending this is fine.”
“I’m not willing to keep enabling this behavior.”
These conversations don’t feel warm. They don’t feel Hallmark-movie loving. But they are the wounds of a friend - painful in the moment, protective in the long run.
Contrast that with the “kisses of an enemy.”
These are the people who:
tell you what you want to hear
flatter you to avoid conflict
enable your worst habits
stay silent while watching you self-destruct
Those kisses feel good. But they rot relationships from the inside.
If you’ve ever confronted abuse, manipulation, or mistreatment, you know the truth:
love sometimes requires you to stand up, speak up, and draw a line strong enough to stop harm.
That is not cruelty.
It’s integrity.
3. Sometimes Love Requires Showing Up When You Don’t Want To
Now, here’s the opposite side of the coin.
Some of the most meaningful acts of love in life are the ones you don’t feel like doing.
Visiting a parent or grandparent who repeats the same stories.
Sitting with someone whose presence drains rather than energizes you.
Helping a friend move when it’s the last thing you want to spend your Saturday doing.
Showing up for your child, spouse, partner, or friend when you’re tired, overwhelmed, or frustrated.
You don’t do it because it’s fun.
You do it because love sometimes means sacrifice, and sacrifice means choosing the relationship over your preference.
It’s not codependency.
It’s not people-pleasing.
It’s not abandoning yourself.
It’s responsively choosing: “I don’t enjoy this, but this person matters to me.”
Think about those elderly relatives you don’t fully “click” with.
You may go out of duty, or guilt, or because it’s expected, but underneath all that is something more human and more noble:
your presence communicates honor and connection, even when the emotional reward is thin. (Collectivist cultures might get the idea of family honor better than American individualist cultures, though there are pitfalls on each side. Aquinas also writes on what one owes their parents: honor.)
That is also what love requires sometimes.
4. Love Requires Discernment, Not One Default Setting
People get into trouble when they assume love always means the same behavior:
Always be kind
Always be patient
Always say yes
Always show up
Always forgive instantly
Real life isn’t that tidy.
Healthy love is discerning.
It asks questions:
Am I protecting this person or enabling them?
Am I avoiding conflict to keep the peace or to keep myself comfortable?
Is this an act of genuine care or an act of guilt?
Is this a moment for boundaries or for compassion?
What is the most loving thing for both of us, not just the easiest thing for me?
Love doesn’t demand one predictable response.
Love asks you to show up honestly in each situation with wisdom, humility, and courage.
5. What Does Love Require of Me… Right Now?
In therapy, this single question often becomes a compass.
It cuts through guilt, pressure, and confusion.
Here are a few real-world examples:
If someone is abusing you:
Love requires protecting your safety, not staying silent to keep the peace.
If a partner or friend is stuck in a harmful pattern:
Love may require truth-telling, even if they bristle.
If a loved one is dying or aging:
Love may require showing up, even when it’s emotionally or physically taxing.
If you’ve been enabling someone:
Love may require stepping back so they can grow.
If a relationship is drifting:
Love may require initiating an honest conversation rather than hoping it fixes itself.
If you’ve wronged someone:
Love requires repair, not avoidance.
There’s no single script.
There’s only discernment.
6. The Heart of It All: Love Requires Truth + Courage + Care
When you strip away all the cultural noise about “being nice,” love actually comes down to three things:
Truth: being honest about what is happening.
Courage: doing the hard thing when it’s needed.
Care: acting in a way that honors the dignity of both people.
Niceness can avoid all three.
Love cannot.
Closing Thought
If you want a question that anchors you in emotional maturity, not guilt; honesty, not niceness; discernment, not people-pleasing, this is the one:
What does love require of me?
Not what does guilt demand.
Not what does comfort prefer.
Not what does conflict avoidance feel easiest.
Not what does fear insist on.
But love.
And sometimes love feels soft, warm, comforting.
Sometimes it feels sharp, boundary-drawing, honest.
Either way, when you choose what love requires, you choose what leads to growth, connection, and integrity, even if it costs you something in the moment.
Want to read more? See Set Boundaries with Behavior, Not People: How Healthy Limits Let Us Honor Dignity and Refuse Harm
Or
True Guilt vs. False Guilt: Learning the Difference Between Change and Control
More examples of love as confronting
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1. When “keeping the peace” means sacrificing someone’s safety
A partner endures repeated verbal attacks and tells themselves, “If I don’t bring it up, things will stay calm.”
Real love says, “Calm is not the same as safe.” It confronts the behavior, sets limits, and may insist on counseling or separation.
Enabling says nothing, absorbs the blows, and calls it loyalty.
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2. When a parent excuses an adult child’s addiction to avoid conflict
A mother covers rent again, apologizes for their child’s behavior to others, and avoids tough conversations because she doesn’t want them to feel judged.
Love says, “I won’t fund the destruction of your life. I will offer help if you choose recovery.”
Enabling keeps the cycle alive.
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3. When a spouse minimizes financial abuse to protect the image of a “good marriage”
He controls all accounts, questions every purchase, and punishes financially. She whispers to friends, “He’s just better with money.”
Love confronts: “Controlling finances to control me is not ok. This must change.”
Enabling chooses silence over the fear of being seen as “dramatic.”
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4. When a family insists everyone “be nice” to the uncle who crosses physical and emotional boundaries
The message is, “He’s family, don’t make a scene.”
Love for the children says, “You don’t have to hug him. We’re not going to his house if he can’t respect boundaries.”
Enabling prioritizes comfort for the offender over protection of the vulnerable.
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5. When a friend group covers up for someone’s cruelty because the person is “going through a lot”
Someone constantly lashes out, insults, or manipulates the group. The friends say, “Just ignore it, they’re struggling.”
Love says, “Struggling doesn’t excuse hurting people. We’ll support you, but not like this.”
Enabling spiritualizes or pathologizes the abuse instead of naming it.
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6. When a leader (boss, pastor, therapist, teacher) abuses power and others stay silent not to “hurt the mission”
Love tells the truth even if it disrupts the system.
Enabling protects the institution over the people the institution is meant to serve.
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7. When someone uses their mental health diagnosis to justify mistreating their partner
It sounds like, “You know I have anxiety. You can’t be upset when I yell.”
Real love sets a boundary: “Your anxiety deserves compassion, but it doesn’t give you permission to harm me.”
Enabling absorbs the damage under the banner of empathy.
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8. When siblings allow a parent to manipulate and divide them because “that’s just how Mom is”
Love says, “Mom’s behavior is hurting our relationships. We’re not going to triangulate anymore.”
Enabling shrugs and maintains the unhealthy pattern.
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9. When a partner continually threatens self-harm as a way to control the other
Love calls for professional intervention and refuses to be held hostage.
Enabling caves to demands, believing compliance = compassion.
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10. When someone continually apologizes but never changes
Enabling believes the apology again.
Love says, “I’m not looking for sorry. I’m looking for different.”
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11. When “forgiveness” is used as a spiritual bypass
A person stays in chronic mistreatment because they believe forgiving means staying quiet.
Love understands forgiveness and protection are not opposites.
Enabling conflates reconciliation with holiness.
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12. When an aging parent becomes verbally cruel or aggressive
Instead of saying, “They’re old, just let it go,”
Love says, “I’ll visit, but I won’t be spoken to this way. We need support or a care plan.”
Enabling pretends cruelty is inevitable with age.
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13. When a partner continually breaks trust—affairs, lies, secret accounts—and the other keeps absorbing it to avoid divorce
Love says, “If you want this relationship, transparency and change are required.”
Enabling silently hopes things will magically improve.
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14. When someone uses their trauma to justify abusive behavior
Love acknowledges their pain and says, “Your trauma explains but does not excuse harming me.”
Enabling allows the trauma story to overshadow accountability.
Examples of love when it’s uncomfortable
1. Visiting a grandparent whose memory is fading
It’s uncomfortable to repeat the same story ten times or to watch them forget your name.
Love shows up anyway, because presence matters more than ease.
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2. Showing up for a sibling’s recovery when their pain awakens your own
You might prefer distance, because their struggle reminds you of your history, your trauma, your mess.
Love sits in the room, listens, and stays grounded enough to not make it about yourself.
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3. Parenting a teenager who is angry, withdrawn, or rejecting
It’s far easier to avoid the slammed doors and sharp tones.
Love asks how their day was even when they roll their eyes.
Love stays consistent even when connection feels one-sided.
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4. Supporting a partner through depression or anxiety
Their lack of energy or irritability can feel personal.
Love knows it isn’t.
Love makes dinner, keeps appointments on the calendar, and holds space without demanding quick fixes.
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5. Caring for a spouse or parent recovering from surgery
It’s tedious—medication schedules, bathroom help, endless laundry.
Love sees dignity where others see inconvenience.
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6. Attending family events that are emotionally exhausting
Maybe your family of origin has dynamics that prick at old wounds.
Love goes—not to pretend everything is perfect, but to honor the relationship in the ways you can.
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7. Taking a friend to chemo even though hospitals trigger your anxiety
It’s fluorescent lights, beeping machines, and hours in a chair.
Love sits there anyway because your presence anchors them.
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8. Listening to someone’s grief even when you feel helpless
Most people avoid grief because it’s awkward and unpredictable.
Love leans in, listens, and refuses to tidy up their pain.
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9. Visiting someone in jail even when it feels overwhelming
Security lines, metal detectors, the weight of the environment—none of it is comfortable.
Love shows up because that person still matters.
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10. Attending counseling with your partner even when it forces you to look at your own stuff
It’s vulnerable, humbling, and sometimes convicting.
Love chooses growth over ego.
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11. Caring for a newborn when you’re exhausted and touched-out
You don’t show up because you’re energized.
You show up because the baby needs you and you love them more than your comfort.
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12. Being patient with a friend who processes slowly or repeats themselves
It tests your patience, your pace, your preference for efficiency.
Love matches their tempo instead of forcing your own.
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13. Talking kindly with a neighbor who is lonely and always wants more of your time than you want to give (or the elderly neighbor who hates your dog and kids!)
You don’t enable unhealthy dependence, but you offer a warm five minutes because their humanity is worth it.
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14. Driving an elderly parent to appointments when the logistics frustrate you
The traffic, the waiting rooms, the paperwork—it’s a lot.
Love doesn’t pretend it’s enjoyable, but it does it anyway.
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15. Making amends or initiating repair even when you feel embarrassed
Your pride hates it.
Love cares more about connection than comfort.
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16. Supporting a child through a hobby you don’t enjoy
Love stands in the cold at the soccer field, sits through the school play, or listens to endless Minecraft monologues.
Because showing interest is how children feel loved.
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17. Staying present when someone you love is dying
It’s gut-wrenching, unpredictable, and sacred.
Love chooses to be in the room even though every instinct wants to escape the emotional pain.
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